So this lazy Saturday afternoon, when I didn’t have to go to the office and had nothing specifically planned for the day, I found myself sitting idle on my bed with music playing on the laptop by my side and just nothing on the mind. Nothing to do, no pressing work or personal deadlines, nothing to plan, no chores and errands to run. But that happy feeling of momentary nothingness was swept away when suddenly my mind just wandered into a territory that I really don’t like getting into and the question that I am always afraid to answer popped: What am I Doing?
I knew as soon as it came to my mind that this one, this time isn’t going easy. This will haunt me for maybe a month, a week or if I am lucky just for the weekend. Or maybe till the time my mind finds another pressing question to worry about. I don’t know why this happens to me and I somehow find solace when I think that it does happen to people in general. That sometimes in the idleness of life people are suddenly surrounded by questions that were maybe always there but somehow got buried in the regular chaos of life and never surfaced to the top. And in that one moment when you finally get rid of this always ongoing chaos, there it is! The deadly question that you knew will resurface to haunt you.
Now, make no mistake I tried to go around it the best way I knew how. Changed the tracks and played more peppy music, tried to indulge in some Fashion tidbits from Vogue, made myself a piping hot cup of tea (although I hear that its harmful to have your tea too hot), wandered around in my balcony scrutinizing the health of my plants and thinking what next can I get. But I ended up coming back to my room and to the same question with even more intensity, What am I Doing?
At that point, I knew that dodging this question any more would be a total waste of my time and energy. It will take its own pace to settle down and meanwhile, I can’t do anything but think about it; think about why this question has resurfaced again? what am I doing wrong? what can I do better? what should I stop doing? what is it that sets my brain off on this path? And so I decided to gracefully exit that worry land by trying to write it all down. Now I will not bore you with the gory details and the shitty mess these thoughts are making in my brain right now cause it would be totally irrelevant for you, but I will tell you a few things I have learned in this process.
No matter how much ever busy you get with your everyday life, with the work, with the stupid politics that comes along with your office, with planning your best friends wedding, with getting your better half the best surprise ever, with taking care of your kids or your parents; If you aren’t doing that one thing that gives you true happiness, that you have been wanting to do forever, that you think will bring you closer to your dreams and goals, you, my dear friend will face this question:
What am I Doing?
You might have made plans in your head or told your friends about what you really, truly desire or maybe written it down in a personal diary but until and unless you take baby steps every day to get closer to those dreams of yours, everything else however good and rich and healthy and happy, one day will seem worthless. To be more detailed, I have a decent job, a super loving family, a great body, an amazing bunch of friends but I also know that deep down what I want is; a more healthy & fit body, a better lifestyle, a lot more vacations with my friends and a job that’s more a vocation than a chore.
So this blog today was a midlife crisis brain dump! Something that I have found myself recently struggling with more and more. And wrote it all down in the hopes that it will reduce the stress and maybe in the process I find some creative solution. Do let me know if you have any ideas on the topic, it would be great to hear you all out.